A ‘Ghosted’ Generation - Older People Feeling Cut Off

Why are some older people feeling cut off from their family?

According to a survey by Age UK, levels of loneliness aren’t getting worse, but as the number of older people in the UK increases, naturally more people are being affected. 

Is the new phenomenon of ‘ghosting’ partly to blame?

A modern concept, and one used mostly by younger people, ‘ghosting’ can be defined as a sudden ending of contact without explanation. This is often in a dating, friendship or recruitment context – with calls ignored or messages not returned. Whether it’s done intentionally, through a lack of thoughtfulness or as a result of just being too busy, being ignored can create feelings of frustration, annoyance and upset. 

While you might not be familiar with the term ‘ghosting’, these feelings may well resonate. For older generations, especially those with reduced mobility who spend more time at home, contact with family is extremely valuable. And if this drops off, you can be left feeling alone.

In most cases, families would be saddened to learn that this is happening to their older relatives. But fact is, pressure from work, busy social calendars and families relocating are all contributing to less phone calls and face-to-face visits. And while technology might make keeping in touch easier, conversely, it’s also part of the problem.

Are smart phones really a smart solution?

Most modern family communication revolves around mobile phones, apps and social media. Group chats are a quick and easy way to pass on an update or say hello. Far more time-efficient than contacting individuals separately. 

But this only works if everyone has the same access to technology. If you’re not a user of social media, you won’t see things like the holiday photos that that posted. And if you don’t have a smart phone with a messaging app, you won’t see news of the party, exam results or school play.

Age UK found that people who go a week without speaking to a friend or family member are almost three times more likely to be lonely than people who speak to friends and family more often. So, if less calls are making you feel low, you’re definitely not alone.

Moving miles away

Families often live more spread out now, too – relocating for work, education or housing availability. Gone are the days of generations growing up and staying in the same community, where they’d see each other on a regular basis. So, it’s not that your family ‘ghosting’ you if they don’t pop in. It’s more that time and money pressures make regular visits harder to accommodate.

Living away from children and grandchildren can make anyone feel cut off – but the issue is compounded if you have mobility issues. While younger relatives can easily hop on a train or in the car, you may find yourself wishing they would you call in rather than you having to struggle on public transport or endure tiring treks across the country. 

Lives have become busier

If you feel that you see less of your younger family members than you’d like, there’s probably a good reason for this. In past generations, grandchildren spent far more time with their grandparents – dropping in on their way home from school or spending weekends together. But this was before the explosion in after-school activities and wrap around care.

Even if you live near to your family, the likelihood is that working parents rely on after school clubs for childcare – leaving less time in an evening for them to visit you. The number of activities children do these days is far greater than in previous generations, too. From sports club, music lessons and academic catch up sessions to Duke of Edinburgh and drama classes – the list is endless. Not to mention the draw of gaming, which takes kids from the streets to their bedrooms. And all of these ‘steal’ time away from you.

Is there anything you can do?

While it’s not realistic to ask families to move closer, it’s not impossible for older people to dip their toe into technology to bridge the gap. Mastering the use of a phone for simple messaging or video calls could make a big difference to your life. 

Try asking someone in your family if they’ll help. Teenagers are great for this! Setting up a smart phone might feel like a big hurdle – but if they can get you started, you might be surprised that you can get to grips with a basic messaging app. Sometimes it’s as easy as pressing one icon on a screen to connect.

If there’s no one handy to ask, local libraries sometimes offer free sessions that can familiarise you with IT or smart phones. Or try the Age UK helpline on 0800 678 1602 for details of their digital inclusivity drop ins and other groups. 

Have you felt ‘ghosted’?

If you’ve ever experienced any of the issues we’ve covered here, we’d love to hear from you. If you’d like to share your stories with us and highlight any areas you find particularly tricky, we’ll aim to revisit this topic in subsequent issues of the CareCo Life magazine.